*This article is satire, not news.
Kyle Rittenhouse, the teenager who killed two Black Lives Matter protesters and injured a third, has been invited by President Trump to speak at the Republican National Convention on Thursday night. Trump called the teen a hero for standing up for the “law and order” values the President has been preaching this past week at the convention. Rittenhouse fits well with other invited convention guests such as the St. Louis couple who threatened protestors with guns outside their home. Trump has since admonished the St. Louis couple calling them “weak” and that they lack courage for failing to do what the teen did.
Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas responded to the shooting, “This is in no way what I meant when I wrote my NY Times op-ed claiming we should send in the troops and use a tremendous show of force against protesters. Obviously I was just using metaphors like when you say you’re so hungry you could eat a horse.”
Vice President Mike Pence heaped praise on Rittenhouse for trying to “stop the looters and rioters,” proclaiming “There is so much unrest in our cities with burning and crime; thank God we had this kid try to put an end to this and stop the criminals.” When the Vice President was asked why he thought all this was happening in our cities he said he didn’t know.
Rittenhouse, a former member of a police cadet training program in Illinois, claimed he learned some of these tactics in the program. “We were always taught that we’d rather be judged by 12 then carried by 6.”
The head of the National Police Union told reporters they were proud of him, “Most police don’t kill anyone until they’re much older, this kid is only 17, besides he was only following orders.”
Pictures came to light showing Rittenhouse in the front row of a Trump rally back in January. When asked about this Trump commented, “Well, I never met him, I don’t know him, he likes me, he has said nice things about me, so I like him. He’s a good kid. I wish him well.”
When Trump was pressed further on the issue of whether it was appropriate to have someone who just killed protesters speak at their convention, he responded, “The choice is between me and Communism. Do you want that? Joe Biden will turn this country into the Soviet Union if given half a chance. Do you know what happened there? People murdered in the street, police could do whatever they want, troops in the street fighting protestors. Democracy, you can kiss that goodbye, no more free and fair elections. Freedom of speech, that’s gone too. The Berlin Wall, remember that? Communists build walls. That’s what you get with commie Joe.”
